Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in legatoleibstod's LiveJournal:

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Friday, November 18th, 2005
7:12 pm	till 'you don't feel like it' do we part Hello, how do you do? I feel very safe updating now in a completely private way. This is wonderful. Everyone I know has elected to go to xanga, and me not updating ever has made it severely unlikely anyone at all reads this thing. Yay. Yay indeed. Anyways, EMOTION EMOTION EMOTION! I think I forgot how to emote because I'm so depressed, frusterated, and upset yet I don't really know how to show it. I never really knew how to do it with grace though. It was always like "Now I'm a depressive suicidal little shit and everyone's gonna know it". I got so tired of playing that I found I really don't know how to show my negative feelings any other way. I wonder if I should serve food. That'll be a good pity party. I have every right to feel like this though. I'm destined to be in shit for the rest of my life and the one that I trusted to be with me forever isn't. It was always their plan though anyways, so I shouldn't be surprised. The treachery of it all has my head spinning still. I just wish I could just... I don't know, make things right, but there isn't a way. I'm in shit, and I want to dig myself and the ones I care about out, but they've decided they don't like my shovel, so they're just gonna sit in that shit forever and hate me forever. Hmm... I hate metaphors, but that's pretty much how it goes. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
1:23 am	Never knew what I was thinking till I already thought it- An obvious statement, yes? Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato, and it's safe to say, I'd say, yours is not. There is a question in my mind. It's "why am I typing on this thing". Most people I know have all skipped off to xanga. I guess cause they can customize the shit out of it or something. I'm not too into expressing myself visually (or any way really) through a website. This pink stuff is nice enough for me. My aspirations currently have me hoping I can pass a hand-eye coordination test so I can get a job sewing. Meh- it's a living. I also got being in a band again on my mind really really bad. Forsooth, I CAN NOT! For I have responsibilities. A shame, a shame. My life's goals at this moment in time is that I want to be in control. I want to be where I want to be, doing the exact things I want, with the people I want. I'd like to say all this is in sight, but gee whilickers. That's quite a thing to get to. The lady wants children. I say: "No". There's other stuff too. You don't wanna know. Bye bye. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
1:13 am	lapping up the puddle of my spilt soda pop dreams or something poetic Hello. How do you do? I cough. I've been sick for awhile but I'm feeling mildly better. It twas a cold thing. Lots of boogers were involved. Miranda's unwell also. She may be worse than me, but she refuses medicine more and doesn't shy away from her cigarettes. I currently work at McDonald's, which I'm hoping will change. Here's a list of things I've put in the frier: Spare change, Red Bull, Doll Hair, Doll Head (seperately from hair), an accidental fingernail, a toothpick, and a hamburger bun. I work at such a cleaner McDonald's than before. My hijinks don't ripen much fruit because of how often the oil is changed. I'm satisfied knowing at least a few dozen or so orders of fries are affected by me and I'll live in the hearts and souls of the consumers that way. It's a spiritual thing. I live a life of Resident Evil 4, sleep, cigarettes, irregular poo, and work. I don't think I eat real food anymore. It's always like cream cheese danishes or something like that. French fries have played a big part like usual in my life still, so at least I have that to lean on. I just wish I had more time to myself. I wish even more that I had time to dish out proper attention through the right channels. My family, whom I miss, must feel a little neglected by my rare phone calls and even less emails. I have no friends to speak of currently. Woe for that. Miranda's even feeling it too I think. I hope she knows how much I care, even though I can't show it too well. I suck. Well, it's October. This is always supposed to be an important month for me, for whatever circumstances arise during or before that make it that way. Here's hoping something comes along. Oh yeah, by the way, I'm happy. Even if I don't sound that way. I'm one of the happiest assholes you'll ever meet. I'm happy now, and I see a clear road ahead to more stability and happiness to come. Everything's up up up, and I'm going up with it. NOW SMILEY TIME! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
11:18 pm	CONTINUATION!!! not really. I probably won't post after this. Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato, and I live like a fucking KING! I wake up next to Miranda every morning, I smoke cigarettes and drink coke to my heart's content, and I have a 50 percent employee discount at McDonald's. ENVY ME! I miss parents. Who would have thought it? And that's the deepest thing I got. I could go on about sobriety and normalcy and waking up and doing the same thing day in and day out and the plans for further education but blah. I will not! Instead, Indulge in sweet blankness. Oh yeah, there's a Raging Euphoria in my head, and I shall get a tatoo in tribute to it. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
1:47 am	Closure Hello, my name is Legato, and don't let me fool you into thinking I'm cool. I worry tremendously right now. There's lots to worry of. There's lots to be happy about too. I'm gonna move today or the day after FOR SURE. That's kinda why I'm updating. One last nod to internet before I unhook my computer and probably never find a place for it ever again. The move will be good. I'm going to be with Miranda and I'll be working until we can get to a place for schooling so we can actually earn some type of a living. It'd be nice to go to Florida to be with Michael, but that'll have to wait awhile. I gotta go to school first. Anyways, I worry alot. I'm investing alot of trust into Miranda, and there's the grand possibility that my plans won't work how I want them to. Money's gonna be so tight. How my parents explain it, I won't be able to afford anything. They say an apartment is out of my financial league, even if I work for 8 bucks an hour somewhere (which isn't likely), and that's aside from all my other financial responsibilties. I would doubt highly that they'd flat out lie to me, so I wonder if what they say is true. There's also the whole thing with Miranda's parents. They're great people, but I seriously don't wanna be this big moocher to them. I'd hate that so much. Grumble grumble. I might be leaving today. I'll miss my family and my kitty a whole bunch. My dad's doing me a big favor in driving me there. Especially since him and my mother are dead set against the whole thing. I went to my mom tonight and said something like "I might be leaving soon", and she replied "You know how I feel about that". I asked if she was gonna say bye to me but she just asked me why she should, since I haven't even talked to her all day. That hurt my feelings alot. I didn't understand that very much. It actually jacked me alot. Maybe I'll see her before I leave and I can say bye for real. I'm hoping anyways. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 1st, 2005
9:47 pm	Yet things couldn't be better Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato, and I got serious issues, man! I do believe this week I'm going to MS for good finally. That will be very swell. I'm curious about how I'm gonna get my shit there honestly, but I don't guess that matters. I lived without my stuff for a good 10 months after I moved from MS, I can do it again methinks. I'm really gonna have to buckle down and work,work,work,work,work when I get there. That makes it kinda scary. I just hope my sleep schedule can adjust itself for it. At least I'll be with Miranda again. I really do need to be with her too. Being apart is getting really really retarded. We argue so much. I think it's kinda healthy to get it out of us, you know, but jesus christ, we argue about nothing sometimes. It will be better when I'm there and the tensions off I'm sure. That's all we really need. Michael's moving shortly I'm told. That spells DANGER if you ask me. I gotta see him and stuff and be able to say my goodbyes. I didn't get the chance last time and it hurt real bad. I didn't even know it hurt as bad as it did until thinking about things recently. I really need to apologize to him for fucking up so bad and not even being able to say "I'll miss you. Bye" before I went away. It wasn't fair for anyone involved. Michael was the only friend I had that friggin' cared for a long time and he meant so much to me. I still plan on getting back with him and keeping Raging Euphoria going to record alittle bit and tour if we can one day, but it's gonna be hard to do that too. It took Miranda quite a bit of convincing for her to even think it's possible to live like that. I still don't think she's convinced, but she says she is, so I'll try to believe I guess. But it's not just the band I miss with him, even though I do, Michael was just a great guy. He wasn't as selfish as everyone else and he always could understand other people somehow. I would be so confused why some people were dumbasses and mean and he'd just explain it so simply and clean cut and right. He was a smart guy. He didn't always get good grades, but that fucker was one of the smartest guys I've ever met. Not to mention the man was just so easy to talk to. I could talk with him all night long till the sun came up. At the same time, I could share silence comfortably with him. I just miss him alot is all. I always called him my soulmate, in a nongay way. That's not so easy to do now that I have a soulmate female too. I can't have two, can I? (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
12:15 pm	3 more monkey shines to go, and your mortal frame just can't handle it Hello, how do you do? There has been more disapointment had this week than I care to bear, and I have the potential of getting worse shortly. Tommorow I'm supposed to go for my driver's test so wee. I'll probably fail. Most people don't get it their first time around here, so I doubt I will. I don't have much faith in my abilities. I've been thinking things over. I really can't help it. I wish I could. Anyways, methinks a good 'fuckitall' is in order. I do that now and again, just not over things so important to me. I've had some serious plans and dreams for so long now, but there's been quite the kink thrown into things recently. You see, I plan on staying with Miranda forever and going to school and such and being a little upright prick of a citizen just like everyone else, but I had counted on finishing some things I started with Michael first. There's a band formed, damnit. I know most bands don't do shit, but this wasn't one of them. We had something and it can grow at least a little more. Ms. Miranda doesn't seem to think it's that important though. Childish dreams she says. I can't make her understand that we'll still be accomplishing what needs accomplishing in that time as far as education and becoming stable and whatnot. She just thinks I'm throwing it all away for a stupid venture into bandland. That's totally not the case. The things we want- family, stability, a life- is still more than obtainable. Not that I plan on striking it big and being a big rockstar, but school is still possible there. Everything is still possible. And if that's not the place to be we shall leave. I can't make her understand this at all. She just keeps saying "No, I don't want to go". And it's like "well why?" and I get the response "I don't want to". It mostly comes down to her just not wanting to. She says she's not being selfish, just she wants it a certain way. I don't understand what the fuck is going on. There may be more to it. I've thought that maybe she's tired of me and just finding a decent excuse to get rid of me. Or maybe she's just acting this way to fuck with me. I mean, how the fuck did she change so spiteful and jealous and selfish in one goddamned night. I just don't know what to do. So, a fuckitall is in order. Fuckitall what though? I don't know. Fuckitall me I say. A few handfuls of pills and I shall be in a clearer frame of mind when I come out of it. An answer will be had. My luck usually as of late would be that my parents catch me like they have been and I shall have one of those great revelations on life. I'll probably listen to them all and stay here and go to school and not go after anything I want. Everything I choose apparently isn't in my best interest, so fuckitall! Give me the pills! If I'm not dead then hurrah, I get to be yelled at or something. Wee. WEE! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
2:07 am	I have a lump on my head. I don't often get too personal on this thing. I sometimes whine about my poor position in life, but I'm not ever terribly serious about things. I've actually been terrified to get personal with anyone about anything except Miranda (and michael, whenever I get the slim chance) over the fact that I hear from parents and others how much I fake my emotions. Ha, an ironic potion indeed for being accused of faking emotions: I started faking emotions. Pretending that things were shitty but only because they were boring. No bigger reason behind it. No, I can't talk about that. Things get twisted so fucking easily to make my parents seem monstrous or my down times the worst stuff in history. Nah. That's not how things are. I disagree with them just like any one else would disagree with their guardians. I got bit by a dog and I still have nightmares about it, no reason to throw it in my face and be all like "You make everything seem so tragic". I live a better life than some, and to think that most people end up happy with the life they wanted is fool's thoughts. But I digress. I'm unhappy. Why am I unhappy? There are so many things to attribute to it, sure. I can blame everyone but myself, or just pin the blame on myself. Hell, I could do something even more useless and assign everyone perfectly with their fair share of responsibility, but we all know that won't amount to shit. Without blame to myself or anyone else, I've turned out fucked up. I'm not fucked up as some people, but give me a few years, I bet I can top them. I got it all wrong. Somewhere along the way I got really confused and there's no way back. I've put my faith in things. I've put my faith in so many things but they aren't coexistant at all. Love, my dreams, my spiritual belief, they seem to all float around in my head as living in one world happily but that's not the way it is. You can't have it all. Go down that road you won't have shit but you can pretend to be happy, go down that way you'll have shit that makes other people happy, go down that way and you'll make no one happy. The thing is, the promises at the beginning of each road say different things but it's all a lie. Go down any road, pick one, anyone. It doesn't matter. No matter where you stride you'll end up in the same place. You'll end up in the ground with worms eating your face. Say all the pretty words you want, do all the miraculous successful things, hell, be selfish and take advantage of every single thing, it leads to the same thing. Your body rots and you have nothing except a swell suit. Maybe you have what you left behind? Some kind of happiness sprout from your life and entered other people and it wasn't all for nothing, right? That's why I'm fucked up. I've somehow, almost as if by complex planning, I have made myself (even at 18) unable to make myself or anyone else happy. Maybe if I was a better actor I could pull off at least making others happy, but it's just not in me. It never was. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how I got tired. I don't even know when. As long as I could remember I've been tired. Maybe I was born that way. It's always been a new place. It's always been a wait to get to the next step. There was never a complacent place to be. It was always new house, new life, new people. I stopped the cycle this last time I moved with disatrous results. I held on to what I had in a place no better than this for some reason. What that reason is I can only guess. My best guess is that it's cause I found out what love was. That's a lie. I've known what love was when I was a child. Fuck, everyone knows what love is. Most of us are lucky enough to come into a loving home with supportive people who adore us. I'm no different. I knew what love was. My mother loved me when I was a child. She probably does now, but circumstances (mostly me being fucked up) has ruined that. I stopped the cycle of moving on in Mississippi because I thought I belonged for once. That rings so much truer. My desperate desire for acceptance was not only met but rewarded immensely in that place. This all sprouted from what I did. I played. I played for me. I had a band and it was entirely for me. Everyone has something, whether it be a job or a hobby or just something you do in private because it's not entirely legal, that makes them happy. Makes them belong. Gives them a purpose. Something that whether they're ever gonna do it again or not, is gonna be in them and on their mind until they die. I envy people so much for having something so much better than me. I don't want it in me anymore. It doesn't help me anymore. I'm too far away and I can't have it and it's not fair. "Protagonist, whyever can't you have it?". That's an easy answer. I won't allow myself. I have faith in other things too much more. What am I supposed to? I can't just leave her. I promised her too much. I want her to be happy. I base my existance around it. Sure, it wasn't smart, but it keeps me up at night, you see? Imagining her not being perfectly cared for frightens me more than anything. She deserves the best, or at the very least, exactly what she wants. Hmm... This is the part of me that wants to be selfish. The part of me that wants to throw everything to the side that dares stands in the way of exactly what I want. But, the selfish part of me wants everything. It wants the acceptance, it wants the feeling of absolute belonging, it wants the comfort, it wants the love, it wants stability, it wants it's dreams. It can't all be had. Either way I go, I'm fucked. I'm more fucked going without both, which I have suddenly realized with much distress that is the most likely situation. However did such things happen? Why didn't I think about things better and plan better? Or why couldn't I just take a simple road like everyone else? So, what now? Rebuild? I'm young, right? I should be able to cast off whatever grand mistakes I've made so far and find a new route to happiness, yesh? I wish that's the way it was. But thinking I made her cry and broke her heart or I let down my best friend michael is something that's gonna be on my mind forever and ever. No matter what path to happiness I take, it's not ever gonna be a path to anywhere because I'm fucked up. I can't let things go. I can't just say "that's the way it works". I have to think about the consequences. I have to think about how I made them feel. I have to think about how I felt that minute in time. It's me, what can I say? I have never ever ever truly let anything that's ever happened to me go away into the wind to never be thought about again. I remember in terrible detail every loyalty broken, every promise they wouldn't let me keep, and everytime I've ever put anyone I loved in pain because of my decision. My plan for this time of my life has always involved me going. Going where I don't know. I'm not talking in a figurative sense anymore. I mean I would walk. I would hitchhike. I would bus. I would be changing my place or position at all times. No glamourous dream of being a vegabound really. It was just something I figured it would come to. Since I'm so much more fucked up and weaker minded than everyone else and can't take a little daily grind and some honest work, I just go. I just walk until I'm destroyed. I'd walk and walk and just shout at people. Shout at them because they think they know so fucking much. Shout at them cause they had what I wouldn't let myself have. Shout at them cause they'll never understand. Just keeping walking and shouting and drinking whatever liquor I can get my grubby little hands on until I can't go anymore. Until I've dranken too much, and I'm in a too inhospitible place and there's nothing to do now but lay there. Lay and wait for the worms. Just swim in the dextraverse until I don't have enough electricity in my head to let me imagine I'm there anymore. Then I will have achieved what every person has. I'll be good for something. I'll be wormfood. I have a lump on my head cause I bashed myself in the head. I bashed myself in the head cause I can't let it go. I can't have what I want. I can't let myself have what I want. I can't have simple peace. That's all I ever wanted. Peace and quiet. But, dear me, would I even let myself have that? Surely not! Cause I can't be complacent. I gotta keep moving. I gotta keep going. And that's why I'm fucked up. Is that understandable enough? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
10:38 pm	May every drip of this poison reach my head in the most splendid way possible. Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato, but I've probably already told you that. I've done so much lately! I've not only sat around, but I've also layed and stood. I use the phone on occasions, and on more eventful nights like tonight, I visit family members houses and listen to them chat with my parents. This mile a minute pace that life has thrown itself in may be too much for my heart and sanity Luck has smiled itself beautiful on my furrowed visage this special day though! I actually have cigarettes in possession. I love cigarettes. I LOVE THEM. I haven't had them forever and have been sick for them but now they're mine. Not only that, my kind (Turkish Silvers represent!) was two for one. This deserves a friggin party. A party was had too. Not anything I'd call a party though. There was a barbecue at my aunt's house and I went and watched the things like cooking meat and toddlers running about. There's nothing at all wrong with my family from what I can tell, but I feel really anxious to be away whenever I'm around them for some reason. Like I keep saying to myself "I belong somewhere else". Actually, I can't blame my family's prescence for that. I'm like that 24/7 now that I think about it. There's a plan!!!! I'm moving soon, I'm told. Miranda says she'll take me from this place so that I can have belongingness issues in MS. I'm actually hoping to be quite happy there, but when have you ever known me to be happy? If I can just get her and my band, anything I'll have to be unhappy about will be pretty minor. I'm hoping I can achieve such a thing soon enough. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 9th, 2005
12:59 am	Startling life revelations to befound in spam porn The life of a spam writer must be pretty lonesome. It's gotten to the point where machines can write spam for you. The spam I got today though was called "Inncenot woman in prrevet action". This really stuck out to me, cause usually things like this are in my bulk folder. I didn't know I was in for a treat when I opened it. The contents of the email were this: "Yo Dude A wise person does at once, what a fool does at last. Both do the same thing only at different times., On the contrary, Subhuti, those Bodhisattvas who, when these words of the sutra are being taught, will find even one single thought of serene faith, will be such as have honoured many hundreds of thousands of Buddhas, such as have planted their roots of merit under many hundreds of thousands of Buddhas., I consider nature a vast chemical laboratory in which all kinds of composition and decompositions are formed. Vegetation is the basic instrument the creator uses to set all of nature in motion., The dreariest spot in all the land to Death they set apart with scanty grace from Nature's hand, and none from that of Art.," "now they tell you where to go, Endurance and to be able to endure is the first lesson a child should learn because it is the one they will most need to know" Then there's a HTML picture link thingy which looks like your everyday porn advertisement. "Lustful Farm Girls want their Pets so much That they SOAK and CUM!" the picture explains. "You won't believe your eyes". Amongst the pictures of naked farm girls, there are some of fucking cows and shit going about normal farm duties, like eating and shit. At the bottom it says "Intrigued? Click here now". Just as it starts to seem a little like a spam again, you're hit again with... "Pob hwyl It must be that evil communications corrupt good dispositions., What we have to fight for is the freedom and independence of the fatherland, so that our people may be enabled to fulfill the mission assigned to it by the creator, That all men are equal is a proposition to which, at ordinary times, no sane human being has ever given his assent., The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conducted, will yield the imagination a higher joy than any fiction, When you come to a fork in the road, take it., I am a firm believer in democratic representative government as the best form for those who have the tolerance and self-restraint that is required to make it workable, People who have little to do are excessive talkers., The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has., You'll see it when you believe it., Things are of the snake," "I DON'T WANT EMAILS RARR" I read and re-read this thing over and over. It's crazy. The guy who wrote this achieved his goal. He wasted alot of my time and confused the hell out of me. Out. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:43 am	Speaking through open beams, blasphemes of grand schemes, seeking not to know these things: we stand together here! Knowing not the worry wrought, or sorry souls whom soil sought, or places, plains, planets, the lot: We stand together here! Riddle and sing twisty requiems, of slip drop gold that pirates sing, it lives united on every wing so We stand together here. Woowee, that was crazy. I'm breaking coda and plugging in bad poetry I've written. Marvelous. If it's any consolation, I was totally thinking about Star Wars the entire time I wrote that. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 4th, 2005
9:13 am	Happy 4th! May your forsaken souls be casted into the reddest depths of the dextraverse! Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato, and I have too much time to think, but I never have anything good to type about. It used to be alot easier for me to write an essay or something like that about anything, but not so much anymore. Anyways, I guess I should go over what's been happening lately. Hmm.... um, there was this really big mean bug blocking me from getting inside this morning. Isn't that super exciting? Seriously, though, this fucker was huge. It had a stinger too, and he was all moving his butt around. He knew he was scaring me. I should have killed him, my retrospective mind proclaims. Today there shall be many people here I'm told. I don't think anyone is too accepting of this, with the probable exception of my mother, who will welcome company no matter what for some ungodly reason. It's supposed to be my cousins and some aunts and uncles, and I suppose the family I have at the river (I like them though). My grandmother might be there too. My mother says I'm not grateful for my family. I don't how to react to that. I'm more grateful for my peace and privacy. I think it takes being older with no hope of making friends outside family to appreciate them. I don't know. Nah, that can't be right. I haven't had friends in the longest time. There's Grant, surely, but goodness, he's too busy actually living some kind of life to keep a loser like me around. Seriously, no pity party, he actually has things that must be done. And the same for me! I must get to work! I need my license first. I'm planning on going to get it within two weeks or so. Probably sooner. Miranda thinks I can get it lickity-split. We'll just have to see. I had a dream I got pulled over and arrested by a cop last night. That can't be too hopeful. Gripeing, Whining, and Complaining coming at you full force x4: I'm lonely, it's too hot, I want turkish silvers, there's no more good music to listen to, there's no more video games to play, there's no good tv (and these all contribute to...), I'm bored, I want miranda, I want soda, I wanna kill and drink the blood, I wanna go to the dextraverse, it's too hot to go to the dextraverse, my mommy is mean to me, I have no money, I wanna be left alone (I'M STILL LONELY THOUGH! FIGURE IT OUT), and I'm tired. Woo. Enough. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
1:39 am	she left the door swung ajar Hello, how do you do? Summer sucks. Seriously. Everytime this time of year I have the worst attitude because everything's hot and sticky and stinky. Grumble grumble grumble. If I only had a million dollars, I would program a hibernation chamber for myself during these months and just go away for awhile. In other news, I went MS again recently. I stayed for two weeks. I didn't see Michael or any of the crew really, but I did see Crise and Mark. I was really hoping to go to Crise's last show but aw well. I was really hoping to see the Wretched tribe. Those buttfuckers seem to have fun giving Miranda a hard time so I was planning on getting an apology from them. If they weren't sorry for it, though, I would have understood completely and made them sorry. I'm usually the most peaceful guy to ever walk the earth but people like that I just can't stand. They get such a boner by putting other people down. They called Miranda trash. Who the fuck do they think they are? Jesus's Disciples? I've heard so goddamned much about those twats and have observed it myself to know they're nothing but a bunch of spoiled brats running around trying to be Johnny Rotten. Goddamn, even a klutz can figure out that being punk rock doesn't mean following gay wad little trends handed down by the Mtv culture years ago. Yeah, I never liked their band very much. In fact, they have to be the worst thing I've EVER heard to be called a band in my time. Not to say my band's the best in the world or anything, but goddamned, at least I'm not the worst band ever. Shit, I wonder what kind of bullshit they feed themselves to actually make it through a song with a stab of dignity left. Don't get me wrong, some of them are cool. Andres and Clanton seem like a-okay outstanding citizens to me. The rest of them all seem fucked up though. It's beginning to make me worry for the human race a bit to see these people go so far astray from rational thought and all they can do is just spout bullshit and giggle out little insults like 4th graders. It's actually getting kinda sad and I don't wanna talk about it anymore. In other news, I need a job! I'm gonna try to get one sooner or later but first I still need my license. I'll be getting that shortly though. No worries. But for now, it's time go crazy on some harvest moon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 24th, 2005
11:23 pm	I'm at a loss what's going on is really at a loss for me right now. I'm in montgomery staying with brandie and daniel and that's cool because I like them but that's only for the night. After that, I'm going back home to the ol' river. Damned river. Aw well. My time with miranda was great. Joy is the word that pops into my mind first when I'm with her. Happy follows after. Anyways, I'm out of mind because I haven't slept in so long and I refused to sleep on the drive over here so I could see the countryside. That wasn't too smart. My brother turned 21. I wanted him to buy me a bottle of merlot but no. sad. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
6:22 am	Show dem pearly whites fer me Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato, and I'm a happy man. I'm sitting in a chair at six in the morning in Mississippi, looking at Miranda sleeping and awaiting an underground venture that supposed to take place today. It's the good life for the moment. Soon I'll be back home. I gotta learn to drive. I gotta get a job. Oh yeah, I quit McDonald's. Threw the name tag at the lady and said a good "Fuck you" and that was that. I'm not putting them down referencess. The space bar on this keypad is really sensitive it seems, so excuse me if I have far too much space inbetween some words. I'm gonna write a horror journal along the lines of something like this: "Today, I say, I have learn much in the ways of being an anatomist! I realized one crucial detail while I was pulling the intestines out of the blond young lady. All these parts- All of them!- are just pieces of a machine. There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. What is life? These creatures that shout out at me to stop the cutting are only doing it to sustain their existance and are nothing more than machines just trying to fix kinks in their circuits. How dare I feel bad? I'm the great anatomist! I must find out everything about this machine they call the body, and the only way I can do that is to study more. I need more subjects though. I got the first one without getting caught. Maybe a quick walk by the playground would be lovely for collecting specimens." Something like that. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
8:19 pm	ahem I'm so ready to die, I swear. Not from misery or stress or anything, I just fallen in hate with constantly being nauseated and breathing. Though, misery and stress are two themes in life right about now. I took the GED friday and I kicked ass on it. I also got hired at McDonald's, but that job is so much bullshit it nearly brings me to tears. I just keep telling myself I'll be out of here soon, which is the plan. I'm not going to spend any of the money I earn on happy looking lil' treasures, I'm saving to move, right away. I just need to get back with Miranda, and away from this place. Since I wrote last, I do believe I've visted Mississippi for a week. It was the best time of my life. Well, that might be saying too much, but it was certainly fantastic. It's in the top 3 easy for the best times of my life. I stayed at Miranda's and mostly just laid with her and listened to music. We went out sometimes, to the underground and to help her get a job, but that wasn't often, and I was content with every small journey. I was much happier there than I ever pictured myself ever being ever again. It's my place, you know? It's actually somewhere where I half way belong. As soon as I get back, I'm treating Miranda to a night out at fancy place I think. Who knows how, but I will try. I still got to get a car from somewhere or another. My parents say I can't have their Sonata, which they said would be mine someday since we had it. Miranda says I can use hers, but I do believe it's not running, so I'm fucked. If I have to stay here another six months just to get a car, I may die. I'm really not too bad off. I had a shit day today, but for the most part I've been cool since my little visit to Ms. Miranda's. It's nice to have something to work for and look forward to for a change. It's also very odd and out of place. I was almost getting used to just living a useless existance. Aw well. It's all for Miranda, I swear. All of it. I have hopes for a band that haunt me everyday, but I'm not doing anything for that shit. All for her. I love her tremendously. How can't I? She's so goddamned lovable. Though, that's why I fear for her, in the land of men who wanna snuggle and makeout with her and shit. I trust though. Hell, even if she fucks up, I'll probably just fucking forgive. This distance is fucking bullshit, and with all of her social entanglements, I could imagine a slip up happening. I think it might involve alcohol. That's neither here nor there though. I wonder why I even brought the whole thing up. Anyways, that's pretty much it. I don't have shit to say anymore so don't expect too many more posts on this piece of shit. Piece(of shit) out. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
4:43 pm	popular music is the best, indie fuckers Hello, how do you do? My name is Legato and I'm rather odd feeling at the moment. Like the title? I thought I should be really musically opinionated today. I can fake that sometimes, can't I? I've been in the oddest mood all day. I don't think there's much of a word for it, but I guess "anxious" is well enough. I certainly am anxious, but that usually doesn't make me feel so funny. Like I should be messed up on something or whatever. Anyways, I'm so fucking ready for something to happen. My mumsy is due back any second to take me away to my lovely GED classes, and thursday I'm gonna be on a bus headed for Miranda. I just wish thursday would hurry the fuck up and arrive. I'm gonna give her a bagful of hugs and kisses. I'm not too personal aboot shit around here anymore, but fuck, I'll break coda this time. I love Miranda a whole bunch. We get along way alot better than I'm used to with my girlfriends and she's just like perfect for me. I really really hope we're together for a long time. I hope I can make her happy. Mom's still not home. hmm... I think I might be sick. I don't usually feel so... I don't know. There's shit going on in me. Like in my intestines and shit. Maybe I'll vomit. Maybe I'll get so sick I have to cancel my trip to Miranda (god, please don't let that happen). I had turkey last night and it was discovered not long after I finished that there was green meat in it, so goddamn. I could have food poisoning. Though, it seems like I would know for sure about that by now. For the past year nothing has been going on at all. I remember back in the day I used to go out with friends and shit. At least weekly, but mostly daily. What the hell happened? It was awesome like that. I wasn't very grateful though. I complained about all the stupid people and all the stupid problems they cause, and now look, it turns out that I was the true stupid one. I was the child in all that mess. I was so quick to down people for having drama and feelings when I was just as guilty. What a shithead I am. If only I could have just giggled it off and just enjoyed the times. That's just the way it is. I think people in general are just supposed to be ungrateful Oh shit, mom's here. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 1st, 2005
9:48 pm	FOOOOS I don't rightly know why, but I have a real bad want in me to play at Cave 9 all the sudden. I don't know anything about it, except it's name, that it's in birmingham, and Bat probably played there before. I think it has alot to do with getting back together with the boys again to break up the monotany around here. I bet me and Crise can talk to the Cave 9 guy and schedule a Blind Innuendo and Raging Euphoria show. RE would open, course, because we haven't practiced in fucking FOREVER. We'd fiddle around at my house before going to birmingham to make sure we still play the same songs though. God, we're like the worst most unprofessional band ever almost. I really really really wanna see the scene over there in Birmingham. I have a feeling it might actually be like a real scene. I don't know what that'd be like, but for some odd reason, I bet whatever I was doing in meridian wasn't a scene at all. I have to talk to Michael and Crise boot all this. Jared and Mark too. Dang, I forgot that they're still in school. Grumble grumble. Anyways, I'm seriously jazzed as all hell to do something like this, but I don't rightly know why. I guess that's something to look forward to. In other news, I'm going to Newton in a week to hang out with Miranda. I'm just gonna chill at her house. We'll probably have people over, we'll probably play Pac-Man, and we'll probably watch Milk Chan. It'd be fun to go to a museum too. I don't know why. Just seems like a fun idea. Aw well. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
6:15 pm	Weep before my melodrama, damnit! I'm bored and I'm sick. I awoke at 4:30 AM with no reason at all. No job, no school, so the idea should be to go back to sleep. I was not blessed with that option though. My hacking cough and sore throat wouldn't let me relax. Woe is me! Shall I ever survive a common cold???? I'm being more dramatic today. I'm not even dramatic over big things. I checked the pantry for some snacks that I hoped magically appeared and when I saw there was none I passionately beat my chest and shouted towards the heavens "What kind of a world, god, did you create without a decent array of chips or sweets???" in like an old english accent. I think it's a side effect from not sleeping. Aw well. Such is life. I got a smidget bit of nightime left that I'm saving for tonight that hopefully the cough will subside and I shall sleep. Hurrah. It's kinda a shame that a itty bitty cold is the only eventful thing that's happened to me lately. Let's see... Hmm... I called Wal-Mart today, which was pretty jacked up, telling them I'd like to reschedule my second interview. I figure I'm annoying the shit out of them, but it's what my parents strongly suggest I do. They asked me to come in tommorow evening, which I can't, and I said I'm only available tommorow morning. I'm really breaking those people's balls. There's no way they're gonna hire me. All they want is my urine anyways. That's no problem. I have no fear. (warning, making a geek of myself in 3..2..1..) Hmm... what else... I got a really really really high ass score in Wario Ware. I searched the internet for some score postings to see if anyone in the world got higher than me but I had no luck. It's a real shame that the DS only has a few games on it. Boo hoo. That damn $250 PSP came out recently. I grumble at it. All I've read about it are that the LCD screens are usually fucked up and not covered by warranty, and the square button just kinda sticks sometimes. They don't wanna fix it because of their "artistic" vision for it. They compared it to Cistein chapel and other famous architectural achievements. Goddamn them. It's a goddamned portable playstation. We wanna play it, damnit. Problems or not, everyone's still considering it the most awesome thing to come out EVER. Grumble.....and fuck their mp3s. Fuck their movies. They should focus on games. That's not saying that Nintendo is or anything, I mean, all they got is a Mario game, Wario Ware... and um.. I think a yoshi one. Yeah, everyone's doing a fine job of fucking everyone in the ass alright. If things keep up how they are, there's gonna be more video game systems than video games. Is that a world you wanna live in??? Not me. I remember back in the day there were only two, Nintendo and Sega, and you weren't fucked if you picked the wrong one cause they both had an assload of games to choose from. And even if you picked the one that didn't fit you best (like you had a genesis, but you were more of a mario kinda guy), you could just go to your friend's house and hang out and play his shit. It's bullshit I say! Bullshit! At the moment, in my house, I have more video game systems than I wanna really admit to. Anyways, to keep an enjoyable gaming experience for months to come I'll have to own all the systems. The only good games coming out for Gamecube this year are Resident Evil 4 and Zelda. That's it. Nada. No more. RE4 is really long, and that's kinda good, and zelda might just be long. But, goddamn, it's only two games? That's like 2 months if play REAL slow. Then there's X-Box. What does that monstrosity have in store for us? Conker. Conker and only conker. Don't give those other bullshit names like Jade Empire and Splinter Cell! You know the only one worth playing is conker! Then there's the PS2. Will the PS2 fail us? I say, yesh. There's God Of War, which might be good, something about giants, and more RPGs than you could imagine. Don't you want some more RPGs? Just imagine it! You can walk around fighting the same enemies over and over and over and over till your brain goes numb just so you can up your stats? I can't wait! The video games have distressed me. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 19th, 2005
5:04 pm	lot's of slang terms in a bag for you. yesh? Yo yo yo, what the dealy fo shizzy, my crackizzies? Who wants to hear a complaint or two. Alrighty, here goes: I'm a disgrace to my family. It's pretty sad. I'm not even starting fights with me and other family members, I somehow start fights that I'm not allowed to be involved with. Surely someone around here could empathize with that. I think it's that I'm kicked out of school, but to be honest, there's lots of reasons. Like I try to go to Meridian at the drop of a hat. Hmm... nowadays the shoe is on the other foot. I remember being young and crying at my mom because I didn't wanna be in Alabama and she'd say "this is my home" and the like. I didn't like going there for what I thought was no reason. It especially irritated me that we were there this one time for a whole year or more while my dad had a place in Washington. They had their reasons I'm sure, but it sure did peeve me. Though, it wasn't my decision to make. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been in the decision making seat until just recently. You see, I'm going after my GED, and after that, I'm probably going to take my ACT not so long after. I'm not being forced at all, it's just something I'm gonna do. I figure I'll do fine on the GED, and I'll do superb on the ACT if I study. I'd say like a few weeks ago I was helping this fine young lady named Heather with Trig questions in her ACT booklet. That gave me a bit of an ego boost, cause I'm like a year from being in a real school and I still can pull trivial information out of my butt about the relationships of angles in a right triangle with a 60 degree and a 30 degree end. I have a ACT book that's really really big in my bathroom and I try to look through it a bit but I always end up with the conclusion I don't need to be reading it cause it's all shit I know. It's shit like this that makes me feel smart. But, I must not be too smart. Everyone, and I mean everyone, with the probable exception of my brother, are always on my case about how I'm screwing up things. My dad's alot more passive about giving me advice than my mom is. I see where they're both coming from I guess, but the situation just irks my mom so much that she can't help but to be kinda aggressive with me. Anyways, the plan soon is to bus it to Newton, MS right after I register for the GED and then actually get the son of a bitch when I get back. It seems to work well in my mind, but the grown ups don't like it much. They think I should be here doing something more constructive. I've tried to get a job with no luck so far, and I can't learn to drive with my glasses as crappy as they are (I'm wearing frames I had 2 years ago, and I can't see anything). So, if I don't go to MS, I figure, the only thing I'd really be doing is hanging around here in my room and pissing my mom off for it. There's really nothing more constructive I can do in the 3-4 days that I'll be gone. Sucks ass doesn't it? My parents don't see it that way at all. They think I'll magically get hired or I can take the GED early or some shit. Or maybe they think I'll buckle down with my very blind self and start driving. None of that's gonna happen, and it's out of my control. I apologize for boring anyone with all this. It's just been on my mind hard lately and I can't help feeling terribly disinfranchised by everything. The school system failed me alot more than I failed it, believe me. I ended up in that Christian school where they suspend at the drop of a hat because transferring credits over the border of GODDAMN ALABAMA AND MISSISSIPPI, was too hard and I would just have to repeat the 11th grade. What a joke. The system failed me in that way, but I guess how society works I still have alot of leeway to pick up the pieces. I can still go to college if I want to, I'm sure. I'm just not sure if that's a good idea for me. I got alot of aspirations, whether I know what they are or not, and they don't include being an Engineer or Doctor or whatever professional position my parents would be so tickled at me having. I've actually considered long and hard me being a professional (can't spell right word) massage person. I've also thought about going to mixing school when I'm old enough and getting a good job at a bar, or even owning one of my very own. I've thought about going to trucking school too. All the things that I think "Hey, that's totally for me", I get a big "wtf?" from my dear parents. Isn't it weird you need a broadcasting degree to be a dj on the radio? That's so weird. I totally could do that, but damn, what the fuck's with the degree? Actually, now that I think about it, I probably couldn't pull that off. I'd have the most boring show and I'd probably show up drunk and cussing my ass off every single time. Then, there's the band. Aw, the band. That's something I seriously wanna chase, whether income is existant (and it isn't gonna be) or not. I'm told that going back to Meridian for that isn't a good idea. My father explains Meridian has nothing for a musician except one hole in the wall dive called the underground. He keeps suggesting Birmingham, which he says has about 50 more undergrounds and a hundred more things that Meridian wouldn't even dream of having. He makes alot of sense, it's true, but convincing the musical soulmate Forte of coming to Alabama to stay would be a feat in itself. I guess I could use one of our favorite bands Bat as leverage for him to come. I'll just keep saying, "Come on, we can catch every Bat show there". Goddamn you Bat. Changing your name and confusing me shitless. What was wrong with the Haunted Stepdaughters? Aw well. Hmm.. I've ranted quite a bit, I'd say. Not much more to say, really. But, if you anyone out there who's not reading this have listened to "The Best" by And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, I shake your hand. If not, download please. I should have put this at the front. It'd be quite the accomplishment for any person to sift through my bullshit complaining. (1 Comment |Comment on this)